finally she could indulge in solitude, her preferred method of star gazing.
many a time she'd wondered how it were possible to be related to those insufferable money-eyed goats.
aristocrats had no clue that behind her goody good-good demeanor that the princess was familiar with and schooled in meta-galactic space.
and when she'd tried to explain to the la-di-da that had accepted her into their court all because their proverbial husbands had forced them, their faces turned blank, their blinking eyes wide and unsure when she explained the unique differences amidst the galaxies that was surely impossible to miss.
important families that she had grown up with didn't understand her lifelong interest.
when mister tafitta, her fathers business exporting comrade sidelined her clarification on the astronomer scale that gave brighter stars a low number and dim stars a higher number and commented with vindication that contrary to popular belief stars do not actually twinkle, but is a result of atmospheric pressure, her dancing partner had started talking about pepper and the many ways one could use the spice in cooking. pepper of all things.
to be polite she nodded and smiled and pretended to care just as she had been taught.
Aaah but tonight she was feasting her eyes savoring every bit of the greatest pleasure she'd ever known in all her seventeen years of living.
now that she was alone she gave herself permission to let go of duty and obligation and surrender to that part of herself which had always neglected tomfoolery and forsaken her youth for commitments of devotion and alliance instead of childishness and merriment.
in the night sky some brilliant stars shine brighter than others like tiny pinpricks of light. like a gigantic nuclear furnace.
it was difficult to make out but there were thousands of luminous balls of gas held by its own gravity that emit blue and red light depending on their temperature.
stars, she had learned, were the most plentiful objects in the visible universe that provided light and energy fueling the solar system.
stars also create heavy elements necessary to form life and a great representation of that happens when a star collapses in on itself.
the nebula of un-contracted stars coalesce into a dense region called a protostar by the gravity of that passing star or the shock-wave from that supernova nearby.
eventually the condensation of the protostar will reach critical mass and a nuclear fusion begins. this part of the circle of life begins the main sequence phase of the star and depending on its size will spend most of its life in this stable phase.
since very large massive sized stars burn their fuel much faster than small stars their main sequence may only last up to a few hundred thousand years.
just as the generation of man the process of stars repeats itself through the universe in an endless cycle of birth, death, and rebirth.
thus every living thing on earth was connected to a greater unknown, the universe.
her favorites, variable stars, changed in brightness when they are old and dying, except these ones she was looking at were incandescent and beaming. if she'd used a telescope she would have picked out one star behind another.
joyous happy laughter filtered beyond the inner sanctum of the castle, the people unaware of a pursuit in quest that ended outside on the balcony.
getting past the guards had been easy.
while her king entertained the crowd he was blissfully unaware that his sworn men had taken to drinking, some leaving their post to keep a woman or two warm for an hour. their convenient incompetence to do one simple task gave her the opening that she'd been looking for.
she'd kept her eyes peeled wide open and had laughed quietly to herself as she continued to walk up the long corridor that had enough light coming from the fire lit torches for her to see the unused boulders on the ground.
oh, they had their fun with her all right but she would have the last laugh.
later she'd reprimand the servants quarters with an accusatory lecture forbidding her handmaidens from retelling such potent and graphic tales. silly old women and their cheap nostalgic stories of warfare and their bedridden lovers.
the walls were made of pure stone and so of course they didn't carry the cries of the long since departed.
coming out from the passage corridor she was positively freezing in the icy cold wind, running after the same man i'd seen countless times in many of my other dreams. only this time she was without a coat to protect her from the chilly blast that had curved its coarse in a flurry and burst a breath of air putting pressure on her backside.
when she'd first laid eyes on the strange man he'd been on his way up the stairs and by the time she would have put on her coat she would have lost him.
what other reason did he have short of lucrative purposes.
in all the places in all the world she hadn't been so close to jeopardizing a tip from her fathers command that would keep the falcon safe and on the homestead.
not that she knew about her daddys connection to the king of Scotland and their clandestine military strategies.
if the man she'd been running after took her in hopes that she would double cross his sworn combatants and tell him everything, that would be an impossible feat.
for obvious reasons her mother made sure that women stayed in their place and kept away of the discussions of men.
the moons light cascaded past her face as she took a step closer, exposing freshly powdered porcelain skin that looked fair and buttery after she'd bathed, her plump rosy lips painted not by her hand, and showcased her mothers tight elegant gown that had taken all but of dawn to get dressed in.
the red velvet high heeled shoes her mother insisted that she wore for the evening did not make the journey outside any easier for her.
any time the royal families had gotten together her mother made sure to dress her in the finest material that the English coin could pick out from the market.
strong rich men were the head of her family line and throughout history the women in her life were famous for birthing beautiful daughters.
her face was the reason unmarried men traveled across the country on boats from distant lands to make peace talks with her father and hopefully if they were lucky to get a fair look at her before they went back home.
not many but the magnificent and imposing knew what she looked like so the man she'd been spying on wouldn't know what opportunity be-folded upon him that would turn his fortune around.
not a spy trained to kill but a scared vulnerable man, she remarked. Even so, she remained silent and watched him with caution.
the mans dash from the kitchen stewards and inpatient race up the first flight of stairs he'd come across had been smooth and simple.
now out of breath he looked around unsure of his surroundings and needing a stable place to jump from.
his open black jacket flapped in protest as the wind grew strong and heavy. gold buttons lined one flap in the front, the collar bent and sticking outward on one corner touching his cheek but the man either hadn't noticed or would fix it later.
such a strange looking man to feel a connection to, she thought, stepping even closer to the man.
On the far side of the castle bedlam and dissaray caused a gathering of foot-patrol to circle the perimeter and look for the intruder who'd been spotted earlier possibly by one of her handmaidens as the princess left the ballroom and passed the kitchen and up the stairs that lead them both outside.
someone would have seen their princess in danger and would have told the nearest guard straight away as they were instructed if such a thing were ever to happen to their mistress.
if the noises were any indication surely her fathers party was going to shambles and she knew in a second the troop would seize the stranger and torture him under the cellar.
out of pity and because she had never seen a dying man she lifted the bottom of her dress just a centimeter off the snowy dirty ground and made her way out of the shadows.
not wanting to alarm the man she cleared her throat.
smiling at him, she eyed the long black hair that looked uncombed and un-cared for, uncertain of what to say.
sometime during the chase he must've become disheveled and disorganized and momentarily she had an inkling of what her mother would say to the gentleman who presented himself in such unkempt style.
he wore a fine suite one that her mother would have gushed was befitting of a handsome lord except this unwashed man was a dirty pauper and she would have been instructed to steer clear of the man and reject his advances if she wanted to keep her father mirthful and laughing.
footfalls came from the watch tower more faster and more louder now, trampling down the stairwell with gait speed, the echo of their footsteps gradually inching closer to the balcony where the princess was.
restless and distressed, the man backed away from her slowly until the edge of the wall blocked his path and made him stop.
she laughed. it was as if he'd seen a ghost. the mans face paled after seeing her. his icy blue eyes remained unreadable. the aghast look on his handsome face indecipherable.
thinking out loud she wonders why she cannot conquer love and though she thought he might have been 'the one', her fathers men were going to kill him. she grew tired of him not saying anything.
"i waited for you to ask me for a dance but you chose to watch me with other men instead. inefsable i thought, not possible to be so intrigued when i'm surrounded by a gang of handsome eligible gentlemen. so, did you like my performance for you?" she lifted her chin higher. from this position she knew that he could see all of her.
she felt smoldering hot as the mans blue eyes drank in as much of her that he could see with the dress on.
if she could have loved like she would have wanted her fathers army wouldn't be coming for him and he would have all the time in the world to remove the many layers that was her dress and she in turn would put her arms on his chest, smiling and diffident.
she didnt allow herself to think on it any further. they were travelers on a cosmic journey, stardust to the universe, swirling and dancing in the streams and whirlpools of timelessness.
though she was high-strung these problems couldn't be solved. skies would remain blue and her father was lord.
deep into the darkness she stood there; wondering, yearning, doubting.
"today i realized meeting you was the most happening moment my heart and soul were longing for. your presence ignites the fire in my soul and the passion in my body which makes me feel so alive and in a trance."she never wanted this feeling to end. her heart never felt so big and full and quietly she feared he would keep it with him.
his presence bombarded her with an equal amount of sadness and unbridled joy.
when she'd heard her first love story she'd started searching for him, not knowing how blind that was...after all life is eternal. true love doesn't have a happy ending because it never expires.
the man didn't answer her.
it was a ridiculous suggestion and now he thought of her as foolish and absurd. a smitten child.
he most likely came to steal an important document from her father and wanted to go home with his prize.
A fool she was!
humiliated, she began to withdraw from the balcony when the man put his hand on her, gently squeezing her wrist with lightly callused fingers.
his was such an unexpected and genuine smile that was strong, beautiful, and fearless.
she saw that dangerous look in his eyes, his soul searching to be free, to be happy. "even though i may have fallen short in my life our love will live on forever, even after we're gone."
"why does it have to be like this?" she asked bitterly. "does life always have to be so short, with the good things passing so quickly? is it worth living at all?" she wondered aloud this time not expecting him to answer. love was without limits and though he was not destined to be with her she would remember him always. that was indeed her curse.
he stood next to her. he was tall and she was short; though their heads did not cut off at the same length for a face-to-face pose suitable for kissing, their eager bodies pressed together, clothes touching clothes, his pants straining against her abdomen.
it was a lot of intimacy packed in one passionate embrace that for the moment would have to do.
it didn't matter how they were together so long as she finally had him in her arms talking like real lovers did. for now it was enough and she would savor every touch to her cheek until it wasn't enough and she was forced to marry off then she would think of his face while her husband touched her.
just when she thought he would kiss her he backed away. "i will love you in numberless forms, in life after life, in age after age forever. remember that."
present and of sound mind, she chose stability instead of joining a precarious flippant nobleman.
After all, she couldn't trust the flightiness of a man she had only just met. though a part of her wanted to. badly. "will i see you again?" she asked, her voice filled with hope and wonder.
"leave. i must go now. i will find you i promise." he looked at her captivating grey eyes for the last time not knowing when they would meet again and just as the guards leapt to push her away the man jumped off the balcony just barely escaping their meaty armor clad hands.
she watched as he seamlessly dove straight for the river.....and into below freezing water.
screaming, i rise from the tub seeing a man in a coat leap to his death as the very last image i could remember.
UGH. those dreams were getting longer. Not to mention emotionally draining.
still out of it, i pull the rubber stopper so that the water could seep down the drain and with haste i step out of the porcelain bathtub so that i could dry my crinkly puckered skin.
once fully dressed i chuck the damp towel inside the hamper so that i could wash it later when i wasn't dead-gone tired.
i open the door and hot air dissipates as new cold breeze seeps inside the bathroom. Bye Bye warmth Hello goose flesh.
slowly my eyes adjust to the intense darkness that was inside my dorm and i find that i'm not alone.
staring, i blink at the silhouette of a bulk form underneath pink embroidered sheets that caught my attention.
i cautiously step out of the bathroom feeling the cool shaggy carpeting sink between my toes.
i fold my clothes back inside the rectangular dresser so that i could wear them another day and grab a pair of cotton socks from out the mass collection that was my jumbled wardrobe. the wrinkles gave it character.
i drag my tired body to my bed and cover my feet with fuzzy socks.
i knew it was totally unfair of me to be happy that Chanel was still around even though technically she wasn't supposed to be.
the right thing to do would be just to pull the band-aid off and make her navigate and explore the ghostly plane without me. but i didnt know if i could go through all this change on my own. i wasn't strong enough.
now that i was in bed all i wanted to do was combust in tears much as i did each night right before i fell sleep.
i freeze when a voice mumbles from beneath the sheets.
"turn off the light."
i watch a hand lift in the air and pull down the covers exposing a disgruntled rachel to fresh air.
if rachel knew about the knots in her hair she didn't seem fazed by the tangles that were sticking out like orange road cones.
grabbing my undivided attention was a first. somehow i got the feeling that wasnt a good thing.
shaking my head, i cleared my throat still thinking about that man in the coat.
"im sorry." i shake my head and try to remember what she was talking about. i grimace when i couldn't remember. "what did you say?" i ask coolly.
evidently Rachel hadn't bothered to wash her face before jumping into bed. she fixates her eyes on me like an arrow on the dart board. streaks of make-up stained her cheeks.
all i could do was smile. that seemed to piss her off even more and i reveled in her displeasure only to end up regretting getting on rachels bad side tomorrow.
"you're closer to the switch." she reminds me in a vulgar unpleasant tone. "i'm not asking." she huffs when i don't move on command right away like she wanted me to.
i wasn't so sure what had poisoned Rachels fabulous lifestyle. for reasons only known by her, Rachel was every bit as bitter and cruel as the first day we met and i didn't care to ask what her damage was.
"right of course." i hear myself say.
without arguing, because clashing this late at night would have been stupid and pointless, i lean over the square frame of the antique wooden desk that sat beside my bed. it had dark mahogany strips running throughout in a marble shaped arrow pattern.
i balance my upper body by putting my hand on the desk so that i wouldn't fall over on my face and flip the switch turning off the light.
"finally." rachel muttered
i sit without moving to let my senses adapt in the darkness. eventually i expose the sheets and crawl into a fetal position in hopes that sleep would be quick and merciful tonight.
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