Just be yourself....Remember, when you aren't hiding from anybody thats when people will instantly take a shining to you most. Dr. Cambridge would tell me to loosen me up and get me to lower the wall I'd kept around me that made it impossible for anyone to crack through.
The girl in my room wasn't stunned at my showing up like I expected her to be.
Rather, she sits on the corner of her bed and puts her purple backpack right beside her feet in between her legs. Her black lace and tulle layered skirt was short enough so that when she opened her legs the high-priced material cooperated with the movement and slid against her thighs without ripping.
Talk! Talk to me. Look at me I want you to talk to me. I chanted in my head as if telepathy was real and she could hear me.
I awkwardly stare at the girl from my bed as she takes off her snow covered boots.
My ears throbbed so bad I wanted to scream. The silence was torture and her nothing-bothers-me-attitude made me feel self conscious and I hated her for it. The fact that I wanted to know what she was thinking about because I couldn't read her I hated her for that even more.
Naturally, I was skittish because I wasn't sure how I would be received. If she could see past my seemingly border-line anorexia and my grey eyes like heaven and knew just like I did how much I didn't belong here. If she cared at all.
It was like I had ingested a bowel of toxic stool softeners for breakfast, I was nauseated and sick and I couldn't say one word no matter how I wanted to. Still, I felt obligated to clear up any lingering confusion she might have had about me.
You know, fill in all the W's. Who was I. What was I dong here. What private academy did I get pruned from...That sort of thing.
The icy glare was enough to squash what leftover confidence I had left. So maybe we weren't going to hit it off. That was okay because I wasn't in the market for more friends.
But still....I would be living with this person so I had to play nice. That was when I remembered that even though they dressed like picture perfect royalty the kids at Starkhouse we're nothing like any teenagers from my previous school.
My motive for being at Starkhouse was entirely different than I'm sure the Headmistresses, who for unknown purposes was taking on a charity case, and yet entirely seperate than the reformed kids'....the ones that got kicked out from every elite private school were now officially obsolete has-beens and just like me weren't wanted anyplace else, thus they were attempting to finish their schooling here.
Except they were the real deal...bad people who'd done even worse things otherwise they wouldn't be at Starkhouse. I wasn't scared before but I was now and I hoped she couldn't smell my fear.
I was sweating and my heartbeat picked up. I was certain that I radiated panic and horror and I couldn't control it.
This integrating myself back into a community....even if it wasn't my old school where everyone knew of me was getting under my skin.
Not for the first time today I seriously felt like it was more than I could handle. Dr. Cambridge thought I was ready for this but I wasn't sold.
Even though I may have only been in the psychiatric hospital for three months it had felt like forever when I couldn't keep track of the days because I was constantly taking drugs that had made everything hazy in spite of what they were supposed to be treating me for. I was rusty at meeting new people and it didn't help that I was overwhelmed and uncomfortable but I had to push through it.
It was either that or go back into the psychiatric institution where Dr. Cambridge would give me more tests and probe my mind. No. I wasn't going back there. I had made up my mind when I'd first heard about the headmistress and her academy for troubled teens.
I was generally indifferent because quite frankly I'd seen far too much to be naïve like they were and I wasn't built to be a fighter. I never attacked a girl and I never would if I could help it.
Like the girl in my room and if I didn't want to find out what she did to get here than I needed to break the ice. But how? I was never really good with people and Chanel didnt count because she was the exception.
Instead, I was acting like some harebrained schmuck who forgot her name. Gravy Almighty Aislin, where have your manners gone to? For all she knew I could have been bat-shit crazy and looking for trouble.
Not wanting that to be her first impression of me, I clear my throat and smile at her.
"I'm Aislin." I intruduced myself with more confidence in my voice than I felt.
She doesn't look my way. Rather, she quickly unzips her jacket unfolding it from her slender arms and onto the duvet next to her.
Just when I think she wasn't going to say anything I say my name louder this time.
"Good for you." she mutters with disdain her back still turned to me.
I watch as she takes off her thigh-high stripped socks, rolling them in a ball and stuffs them back inside her doc martins for later.
Was that it? I smile genuinely happy. Well, that went better than I'd originally thought it would. Now that I was off the hook from getting to know my roommate I sprawled out on my bed and sighed. I was a little worn out but each time I'd close my eyes all I could see were historical dates and the US timeline.
I looked at the ceiling and admired the wire chandelier. There were only so many thick crown molding lines that resembled flowers that I could count before I lost track and would have to start all over again but after a while even that grew old and tired.
With nothing better to look at my eyes followed the noise as my surly roommate trotted to her cabinet that was facing the other side of the wall. She opened a drawer that was overflowing with lace and ripped material and picked out something nice to wear. Still ignoring my presence she slams the drawer shut and turns around, huffing.
Head held high, she goes to the bathroom with one folded towel under her arm and a pare of pants and extra shirt in the other. She looked at me critically. Like I were a bug she wanted to put down. "You've been here, what? A couple of hours?" she tells me not waiting for my response.
I sit on my hind legs and shake my head anyway. This argument, whatever it was, was exhausting. I didn't do anything though I couldn't help but feel like I'd offended her by my presence.
"UGH! No, Okay? Just, NO!" She gives me an icy glare and cried out in disgust as if I'd said something stupid.
That snarl on her pretty round face shriveled her nose with premature wrinkle lines.
If she had a free hand I bet she would have slapped me in the face.
I blinked in surprise. Wow. Okay. That just happened. I didn't say anything but not because she intimidated me, my mind went blank. As annoying as it was I'd forgotten what I was thinking about so I chose to look back at my roommate hoping that I could remember where my train of thought left off.
"Let's not pretend that we're friends. Its bad enough that we're roommates I don't want you to ruin what I have going for me." she brushes me off and I watch her from my sitting position on the bed.
I grimace. Well, that went swimmingly.
"And I'm not interested in girl-talk or swapping life stories or anything like that, got it?" she snarled with enough malice it clung in the air like static.
A little while after that she dissapears from my sight closing the sliding wooden door shut. I could hear water spouting from the shower head....And then I was finally rid of her stifling presence. I could relax. It was marginal but my nerves were starting to drop back down.
By the time my surly roommate got out of the bathroom and left shortly after I was already in my tattered pajamas ready to call it nights out. The small dial indicated that it was five o'clock and that meant dinner was being served in the Lunch Hall but I was full from the big lunch I had. Furthermore, I wasn't interested in being around people.
Feeling like I was, I didn't have the kind of mentality that it took to engage in table talk with Mya and her equally bearable friends when I could barely remember to breath. I didn't even know I was crying. My chest heaved. I was shivering. The pain was intolerable. Like I was being severed from the inside out. Nice as they were I was in no shape to show my face and I felt a little bad because of it. Tomorrow, I promised myself.
Since there were no windows to visualize a snowstorm I closed my eyelids and rest my head on top of the one-sided pillow.
Eventually the blast of wind enveloping outside soothed me to sleep.
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